proba tive org adj. formal affording proof

Before this blog came into being, I had things to say about my reactions to the attacks that surprised the Western world four years ago and the reactions of those around me.

I was changed that day. I had to speak my mind. What I emailed to my friends and family garnered a whole spectrum of reactions, but it mattered not. I had said what I needed to say. Agreement or disagreement with my point of view did not invalidate it, neither did my point of view invalidate others.

But I had the right to speak my thoughts and they had theirs -- an aspect of democracy I cherish and a freedom denied to many on this planet. What I understood in the global perspective was that while anyone in this world is denied safety, justice and the right to dissenting voices, none of us would be safe.

Denying our individual responsibility of ensuring such basic rights by claiming governments, elected or not, or religious factions to which we, of course, did not belong, or cultural differences of which we claimed innocent ignorance were to blame was the window those bent on self-destruction with the intent of inflicting harm on those they viewed with understandable distaste used to their advantage.

The institutions so handily scapegoated were simply different groupings of individuals. Individuals had to act differently if things were to change. Shining light in the places that human rights and dignity were being violated was no longer optional. It became essential for our collective survival.

So it is with individual survival. In particular with this individual's survival. What I said those many years ago was that terrorism begins at home. I urged others to treat each other with respect, whether they were related or not.

That Christmas the county in which I lived at the time held a vigil over the space of several hours. At regular intervals, the last 5 minutes of the life of a child who died that year in that county at the hands of his or her parent was described. They numbered in the double digits. I found this to be more chilling than the larger conflict going on so visibly. Adults in declared combat with other armed adults is at least a fair enough match. Adults terrorizing the most vulnerable members of our community behind closed doors puts the lie to our claims of moral superiority.

And so I went about reminding those I came in contact with who voiced the opinion that the terrorists were nothing like us that in my opinion we were all the same. They thought they were right and we thought we were right. Which necessitated that each group thinks the "other" is wrong. Focusing on the relatively few real differences supported continued belief in the lie that there is one "right" way to think or be. After all, how could we both be the same if one of us was "wrong". Logically that would allow for the possibility that we were wrong. If we were wrong, we couldn't justify our own attacks. What a dilemma.

I call the thinking and behaviour that creates this kind of dilemma bullshit. Mainly because we all say we can't stand bullshit. Half the problem is identifying bullshit. We know it when we see it in others, but it's hard to see your own, isn't it. Which is where the rest of the world comes in. Other people help us identify our own bullshit, whether either of us know it or not.

Bullshit begets bullshit and makes everyone in the vicinity uncomfortable. Eventually we get uncomfortable enough that we start to recognize in ourselves bullshit that we thought was brought to the party by other people. What an opportunity for change.

Here's the rub: change makes people uncomfortable; reformed bullshitters make unreformed bullshitters even more uncomfortable. If a reforming bullshitter is dissuaded by a barrage of heavier bullshit they have shown their true colours and are full of more of it than the rest of the group put together. You can't get rid of bullshit by covering it up with more. Shovels and hoses and the like are required.

I don't like to think of myself as full of bullshit. I'm starting to think I may be at least smellng like it right now. And I'm sitting here looking at a quote I've had posted on my wall for several years now. It gives me pause and makes me examine my handling of recent events in a different light. I'm still debating things but I'd like to share it with you on this significant day.

Oh, something else you should know, before you read it. This blog got rolling (sorry for the pun) the year I became determined to re-invent myself. Little did I know then what life had in store for me. I am not sure I have re-invented a self so much as discovered and awakened a part of myself that was always there. I'd just been ignoring and discounting that part because what it was feeling and telling me wasn't what I wanted to hear. Shades of my childhood experience now that I come to think of that.

Careful what you learn and all that... Right. Once this part of me had the floor, my dreams became a therapeutic battleground -- literally. What is happening right now in my family relationships was played out in the one that scared me the most. I wrote it in my journal and told many people, including my therapist, about it because I was shocked at the uncharacteristic behaviour *I* had exhibited in the dream. The reforming bullshitter, remember? I'd made a resolution a couple of years before that I was going to eliminate bullshit from all levels of my life. Maybe the resolution was the start of all of that has followed? Or maybe what followed was made possible (or necessary) by the resolution?

What I discovered was some of the bullshit was in my own head. The changes I am undergoing today are the result of my identifying the bullshit and refusing to play along with it any longer.

Okay, you've read this far, I'll deliver the quotation. It's attributed to T. S. Eliot but I've read similar things worded differently. Maybe this was the original:

In order to arrive at what you do not know, you must go by way of ignorance.

In order to possess what you do not possess, you must go by way of dispossession.

In order to arrive at what you are not, you must go through the way in which you are not.

Okay, so what's that got to do with the title of this post? I'm trying to figure out which of the ways I wasn't is the way I need to go through. Well, that's not true, I know which way it is -- it's the one that feels least comfortable, right? Indeed.

Still, I need some time to chew on this before I do or say anything more. While I'm doing that, I'll be redesigning and porting this blog to another application.

For those who are interested, the comment made by "L" to an earlier post went undetected by myself until today. It took a couple of days for me to drive to London to speak with "L" personally. I had no access to the internet during that time and for some reason no email reached me about a new comment.

I trust that the people who know me know that my character has not changed and will not change regardless with whom I am relating. For this reason I am having difficulty with my initial thoughts of deleting the comment. I did say I welcomed public and private communications after all. I abhor inconsistency (read: hypocrisy) in myself as much as others.

Leaving it there without mounting a defense will hopefully not be interpreted as any sort of agreement with the assessments made. I may be a bit naive in this respect, but I will go with that for the moment. Much of the comment consists of speculation about my motivations and feelings followed by arguments against the "rightness" of attributed thought processes. Where would a rational response possibly begin?

In any case, the point continues to be missed and may forever be. I will make this last attempt at clarification: My reactions, including waiting to speak to "L" in person as soon as I could, were triggered by, but were definitely not the result of, one recent incident. All communications I have received privately and publicly - save those from one other who knows more than most about the "rest of the story" - seem to focus on this one visible sequence of reaction and action or non-action, in the case of my choice to communicate in person.

On to other things.

[Updated Sunday, September 11, 2005] [[update moved to comments below]]

[Updated Wednesday, September 14, 2005] Comments to this entry include all explantions I have to offer at this time regarding my changing and changing back my comment policy. Comments remain closed on this blog for obvious reasons. Sorry.

Post the price of gas as $100.x a litre.

That's what it is at the little gas bar at Wellington and Parkdale just two blocks from me. And yes, it is wreaking havoc with the light evening traffic at that intersection.

Anyway, come and get it, while it lasts. One set of pumps has pilons blocking entry. I presume this is because they are dry.

I found myself making a list on my whiteboard a few days ago. This is what I do when I have lots of things I want to do, any one of which may distract me from remembering other possibly more presssing items and some of which can wait or not and, especially, when some of these are so much more fun than the others.

Some of the ways I prioritize these wouldn't make sense to most people, but the crossing off of items when they are finished (half-crossed if started :-) is objective evidence of progress in the face of subjective feelings of drowning in still "undone" things. Hint: you have to leave the crossed off things up or this doesn't work so well.

One of the fun, but sort of pressing things was getting a webcam and setting it up to provide surveillance of my apartment for some good reasons that will be explained to those who wish to know such things. (Honestly -- that's on the list too -- under migrating this blog space to Nucleus) It's a landlord thing and no, I'm not being silly about this.

I'm pleased to announce that I've gotten this working under Windows XP. I'll be working on getting it operational on RedHat but the software the camera came with was for XP. At $30 it was way too reasonable to be passed up because of religious differences. So, first was seeing if I could get it up and running and it would do what I wanted - activate on motion detection. I haven't quite got that far because I also wanted to know if I could figure out how to get the images on the web in real time. The useless instructions in the webcam package (Labtec's Webcam) told me to find a streaming video hosting service and follow their instructions. Already have a web space so I found a free application called Yawcam. It's cool enough even with some confusing documentation about setting up the streaming web part.

Got it all figured out yesterday. At least it works for me and Steph (my beta test group). Right now there are two views: updated stills and streaming live. The streaming view is limited by time per viewer session (5 min max) and number of viewers (3) for the time being. I need to figure out if this is going to blow through the ceiling of my upload quota on my ISP before I go any further.

Don't get all excited - the view right now is of Dixie's dining area.

If you go there, I'd appreciate your letting me know of any problems and what OS and browser you were using. It does require java enabled browsers so don't complain if you don't have that - okay?

Cool.

Gas prices are getting to be a news item in Canada. And not just because they fluctuate for no good reason. That was the old news. On my trip back to Ottawa I stopped for gas in Perth. It was $0.99/litre and the cashier told me it was going up the next day. No kidding... it was $1.26 the next morning here in Ottawa.

The Ottawa Classic Rock radio station is staging a Suck My Gas Day in a few days. I was looking forward to trying to get the exact amount squeezed out of the pump, too. I've been staging my own protest by getting $5.00 worth at a time when it went through the roof. $6.21 is pretty close. And I do like the thought behind it! Sticking it to the government is not a hard sell for me. (Don't get all bent out of shape now - if you drive, you're probably thinking it would be fun, too :-)

I'd love to be part of the fun, really. But I won't need gas on the day they are staging this hippie like protest. And I'm not sure I want to buy gas when I don't need it even to stick it to those silly buggers everyone is pissed off with over this. You know, those guys who managed to give all that tax money to their buddies... yeah, they're the ones who are now saying they need the taxes from gas -- 44% of what you're paying goes to them -- so no, they aren't listening to talk of capping the price. Surprise. Maybe they'll change their minds when the cost of perishables trucked into our grocery stores doubles or triples or -- there aren't any because the trucking companies can't afford fuel either.

In my not so humble opinion it would be fair to expect the guilty parties to repay double or triple what they misappropriated. Some civilized places do that, you know, make the guilty party repay several times more than the actual amount of the damages sued for. Oh, wait - we're in Canada, the chances of us sueing our elected officials for underhanded swindling of the public are virtually nil. Anyway, the penalty "fund" could be used to discount gas to a reasonable number while they pick up the ball on alternative energy development.

But life's not fair it turns out. Check out the range of Ottawa gas prices here. Shameful. The link is good for more than just today I think, so you can play the Ottawa Gas Lottery if you wish.

Comparison shopping is a thing of the past since, shades of Y2K, the large display signs were only good for prices under a buck. Yep, only three spots for cards with digits on them and one of them is after the decimal point. There's another great reason for a cap on prices: you can't tell from the street how much the station is charging anymore. The pumps, of course, have no problem with four digit prices. Figures.

What you see on the display signs is something like this "[blank][blank].[6] /L" Hey, maybe they can be held to that? He he. That'd be a fun one, wouldn't it? There's already a (voluntary) Scanner Price Accuracy Code here in Canada.

Remind me to tell you how I came to have a shiny (well, the parts that have finish still are shiny!) Jeep with a full tank of gas next time we're here together.

Media stories to the contrary, small unappreciated acts of strength and grace are taking place everywhere. Watch closely and you will witness them in the most unexpected places. Encourage those engaged in these labours of love when you get a chance. It really is the little things that matter. And the little ones.

The other night I was on a late evening bus from the Ottawa Folk Festival venue to the transitway. A young woman sat across from me, holding the stroller her youngest child was no longer riding in front of her. She had three youngsters with her, the younger two choosing to explore the seat belts on the bench next to me while the oldest sat next to the young woman, exploring the back of that bench, talking with his mother about what he saw out the window.

Though I don't understand Spanish well enough to know what any of them said to one another, I understand mothering enough to appreciate what was taking place. The children were active, moving from the bench I sat on to the one she was on and back a few times, chattering to each other but not being a nuisance - just being children. She commanded respect by her way with the little ones. Their behaviour was a credit to her character and patience. Her tone was never angry or intimidating. She spoke calmly and clearly without repetition but with a pleasant and understanding authority. Rather than catering to the children's desire to have the window where they sat opened, she instructed and demonstrated without leaving her seat how they might accomplish this. They were unable to achieve what they were after but even at that late hour there was no whining or pleading; no cries of frustration.

I watched and listened without letting the children know I was paying attention to them. She was paying attention to her little ones and no doubt knew I was as well. When the youngest had not picked up his sandals from the floor of the bus she left them there until it appeared they may be in the way of boarding passengers.

As their stop approached they lined up in anticipation, the youngest hopping back into the stroller and putting on his shoes. The little one had been given the privilege of making the bell ring for their stop, but didn't respond to her instruction - the only one in English thus far. She took his hand and together they pushed the button. Finally, standing facing the rest of the bus and waiting for the shoe putter onner to finish, she looked toward the ceiling of the bus, sighed, shook her head and smiled as only a patient mother can. As it turned out, the ring had been premature, so she apologized to the driver and thanked him as they were leaving.

Just before her stop, she glanced at me and we shared a moment of understanding. I smiled to tell her I knew exactly how she felt and nodded that she was doing a good job. Her smile told me she appreciated my noticing. As she walked along the length of the bus after getting her brood safely outside, she looked in, smiled and nodded once in my direction: Goodbye.

Well behaved parents all over the world are raising well behaved children. Count on it. Encourage them if you get a chance. It's for our own good.

The Laws of Ducks by Ken Fussichen

Duck Law No. 1 - If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck. Restatement: All things are known by their attributes.

Duck Law No. 2 - Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter how noble or well-intentioned, can be an eagle. Restatement: All things must be what they are.

Duck Law No. 3 - A duck can pretend to be an eagle except in times of adversity. Restatement: Pretense and adversity are inversely proportional; adversity reveals the true nature of all things.

Duck Law No 4 - No duck may be an eagle until it abandons its webbed feet and bill for talons and a beak. Restatement: All things remain as they are until the attributes that define them are abandoned. Then, and only then, can they evolve.

Duck Law No. 5 - Ducks are noble creatures. They shall not be penalized in the eyes of other creatures because they are not eagles. Restatement: All things are honorable if they are what they are honestly, even if they are different from you.

Duck Law No. 6 - The greatest duck that ever was cannot cannot fly as high as even a modest eagle. Restatement: If one would soar with eagles, do not swim with ducks.

Duck Law No. 7 - Ducks flock. Eagles fly alone. Ducks and eagles never mingle. Restatement: Choose company wisely.

Duck Law No. 8 - A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. Restatement: Sometimes there is no answer.

During my university career some good friends gave me the nickname Duck. Not because I hung out with ducks but because I had an unconscious habit of making a quacking noise while doing little things that required less of my brain cells than usual. Things like standing in line or wandering around a store waiting for someone else to purchase what they were after. I often didn't notice I was quacking until glancing up to find people looking quizzically in my direction. If I was with someone I'd ask them if I'd been doing it again. Either way, I'd usually smile and say "Oops."

I was greeted by a noisy cranky cat late last night after my tour of southern Ontario over the past week. She still had lots of food and water, so no big guilt on that side of the story - she just missed me. Aw. She's forgiven me already and is peacefully snoozing on the bed.

After spending a few days at either end of my visit to London with my friend Judy, I came away with a basket of her home grown tomatoes. As evidence of my confusion, the predictable result of many occasions of shuffling stuff in and out of my car during this trip, a bag of my belongings was left behind. Didn't even notice until she called me during my picture taking tour of Whitby. I was ready to drive back and leave the next day, but her offer to send it to Ottawa by train was deemed to be less stressful for my just back to road tripping neck and to cost about the same as the gas I would use backtracking.

I continued along the 401 from Whitby/Oshawa (hard to tell where one ends and the other begins these days) and on the spur of the moment and based on the time of day dropped in on my cousin Gail and her family just north of Sulphide. Figured I'd have a cup of tea, leave my new contact information (new since the last time I saw her - bad me) and be on my way. But long lost cousins who grew up together have too much to catch up on for a half hour chat. I accepted her invitation to stay the night and rest up for my last leg to Ottawa.

Had the farm to myself for most of the morning and when the sky was less threatening and more conducive to picture taking, I drove into town to get more film. Walked around the landmarks that were part of my family history taking pictures and reminiscing with myself. Back to the farm and spent the afternoon with Gail. Her two sons took a break from their labours and joined us for a bit.

The evening closed with a very enjoyable dinner with Gail and Gary followed by more conversation with Gail while Gary went to find the part of the fence the cows were getting through. Came away with some of their beef for my freezer and a nice feeling of having reconnected with my roots. We both want to get our children together for a visit and reacquaintance sooner rather than later. Something to look forward to, indeed. We expect a good time will be had by all. The last time my kids were at Gail's was back in the early 80's. The kids still remember each other which bodes well for the next reunion.

I am in Tweed, on a little bit of a nostalgia trip. Noticed the Computer Cafe and just had to nip in and post from here. Tweed has changed a bit for those of us who spent many summers here as children. Unfortunately not all of it is for the better in the opinion of my relatives and I. Ah, well. Still a cute little place all in all.

Back to picture taking!

Here's my "second daughter", Heather, with the biggest drink dessert in a glass I've ever seen. I'll bet she's out having a few tonight to celebrate getting through another year in her inimitable and irrepressible style.

Congratulations and I'll see you real soon!

Today's physiotherapy appointment was the last. I received a Gold Star on my progress. I can go back if I need to, but slow and steady increases in activity should not be a hurdle.

I've been hyped about job prospects and now I'm feeling even more confident in my ability to do whatever my little heart desires in the hobby, exercise and work departments.

Life just keeps on getting better.

Just a short public notice for the few who have misread or extrapolated to some erroneous conclusions based on a previous post.

A lot of assumptions have apparently been made two of which I would like to set straight. This post was and still is about my emotional reaction to being excluded (meaning not included) from an emotionally extremely important event by my sister Linda (who was the planner and has now fairly neatly outed herself).

Aside from the fact that my blog is my blog, my feelings are also my feelings. I have apparently surprised some people by admitting to some less than comfortable feelings publicly.

To be very very clear to the "initialled" people: this is not about any of you - unless you want it to be. As I said in the original post, it is not about "Why" and it is not about the actual event even, so much as it is about "what" the event and my exclusion showed me about one of the most important relationships in my life.

To anyone who is reading this blog and is uncomfortable with what's going on in my life all I can suggest is checking back once in a while to see when it has passed. To anyone who thinks I may have lost my equilibrium because my reactions seem out of character all I can say is there is much that I will not air in this public forum at the moment, in part out of discretion and in part because I am still sorting things out for myself.

To anyone who wishes to send a private message, clicking on my name in the right hand column will allow you to do so. Public messages are welcome as well.

I don't think there's any need to test my sitting endurance past Three! hours. I managed this test in the theatre at the Rideau Centre today. I talked them into letting me go in about an hour before the movie was to start. An empty viewing room is a great place to read and think as a matter of fact. Much quieter than a library. Might be the acoustics that do that.

I saw "Four Brothers". A little violent but worth the time and money.

I also dropped in to surprise my second daughter down there near the Rideau Centre. We had a good chat and then she had to get back to work.

When I arrived back at the building I ran into a couple of my neighbours. We've been sharing landlord stories and I got to take a whack of pictures of the slum. Did a bit more educating on the subject of tenants rights as well. Knowledge is power, you know.

On the landlord front there have been a couple of humourous and interesting changes due in no small part to my "interference" (that's what the landlord called it), insistence on my rights and complaints made to Property Standards.

The eldest son of the single mom has been enjoying the fact that the landlord's head handyman is no longer parking behind me in the drive. He went so far as to ask him about that and when the handyman said "Oh, it's just not worth the hassle", the young man burst out laughing. He's young and the handyman had been pretty arrogant about the situation earlier, so he's forgiven.

The more interesting development is that late yesterday afternoon we all received notice that a property management company was taking over the day to day duties - effective immediately. I got a good chuckle out of this. A whole lot of deja vu as my regular readers will know. I made a fuss in Kingston about the landlord's property management folks not doing their jobs and lo and behold didn't that building get a new company to handle things as well.

Proof positive that disturbing the shit works when done properly. If it didn't work, I wouldn't keep doing it, of course.

... the more I can do. Every day I'm doing a little more and feeling less pain than anticipated, thanks to the reintroduction of anti-inflammatory medication naproxen sodium aka Aleve (OT¢ from the USA through the internet but Rx here in The Land Of $ocialized Medicine)

In the past three days I have:

hacked the evil boxspring into two pieces. Mike Hoye sawed through the the wood part about a year ago so it could be "bent" to fit down the stairs on Bay St. On Saturday many pieces of the wire grid comprising the top of the beast were hacksawed. [I only got bit once, too.]

tossed the halves with the help of Deb. We were lucky to have the weather on our side and had a good brunch afterward. Thanks Deb.

experienced elevator bafflement. Suffice it to say I will not, for a very long time, forget to press the Call Button at the storage facility. You had to be there to appreciate the silliness of it all. Deb is probably still shaking her head. It's a wonder she agreed to be a passenger in the Jeep afterward.

visited a couple of friends without forewarning. I dropped in to leave something for Patrick and spent a pleasant hour chatting with his wife while he was out and about on an errand. The significant part of this event was the fact that I sat for over an hour without pain. My physiotherapist has set me the odd task of finding out how long I can sit without pain. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I rarely voluntarily sit in one place for more than an hour - even when I am working at a desk job. Now I know an hour is not the limit.

sat for over two hours on the ground at the last evening performance at the Ottawa Folk Festival on Sunday night. No neck or back pain but I finally had to get up because I was cold and my butt was numb. Enjoyed some new musical experiences. Sat again for 2 hours indoors on a plastic "auditorium" type chair at a wonderful Alternative evening program at the same festival. A singalong with a Beatles tune was one of the highlights. I'm planning to go to more of this next year (assuming I'm in Ottawa that is!)

got lost during the late night transit trip home. Well, not so much lost as I missed Tunney's Pasture on the Transitway. I did notice Westboro because we stopped there, but honestly, the next stop we made was Lebreton. I've never taken the bus this late at night and I'm thinking they expect you to request the stops along the Transitway. Not good if you don't know where they are and can't see out because of the extremely bright interior lighting of the passenger section. Once I'd missed that, I got off at Bank and Slater and walked to Bank and Somerset. Stood out there at midnight with all kinds of night life. There was something going on just a bit south of that intersection that required a fire truck, ambulance and a ton of police cars crawling the streets in the vicinity.

took a long walk yesterday on an errand downtown.

Today's plans include attempting to sit for longer than two hours. I think I may have to take myself to a movie to test this. I get bored here just sitting and if I do something here at the PC my old habits of getting up frequently will kick in unconsciously.

Previous to the last half hour, things had been bopping along very well indeed. In the last couple of days I have received several job leads - acted upon a few (some in Montreal which will please at least one member of my small family); visited briefly with a few friends and former colleagues; found out Ceyhan, who has been my friend for over 20 years joined the Half Century club today (Happy Birthday!!); garnered help with tomorrow's eviction of the boxspring (thanks, Deb); ran into another former colleague quite by chance at Trailhead and had another long chat; inflated both tires on the lonely sport utility trailer; reorganized much of my small space and eliminated the need for one set of shelves; did not have any further contact with my landlord; talked to my daughter several times; and finally: enjoyed many pain-free hours thanks to the anti-inflammatories I can now ingest.

Marvellous - huh? Funny how one bit of information can (temporarily) eclipse these positive, moving toward normalcy happenings.

There's an event in my family's history that shocks a lot of people when I tell them and shocked my siblings at the time as well. The instigator of this event was careful to keep me from getting any inkling of what was taking place but I wasn't surprised or shocked when I received the astonished calls from the rest of the players with the same question: "Why?" At that time, my experiences with the main character had given me some basis for the insight that allowed me to come up with the answer: "Money."

Today it is my turn. An event is taking place that was carefully planned much in advance and about which I have been studiously kept in the dark. So I asked myself "Why was I not told?" Seems a simple thing to answer, really: "Because you weren't invited." Which just changes the subject of the inquiry. So why wasn't I invited? Logically it would be "Because you weren't welcome." Again, one more subject for the inquiry.

It is a momentous event, discussions of the possibilities of which have taken place several times but always left at the vague pre-planning stage because one or both of the key players (the planner and/or the momentous other) was not comfortable or was believed not to be comfortable entertaining anything more. In fact, I was in daily telephone contact when the momentous, but unplanned precursor threw today's planner into an emotional tailspin. I, and another member of my immediate family, have expressed great interest in participating in this event. Still we were left in the dark.

I'm resolving to listen to myself now. Not long ago I told myself that in situations such as these, "Why is not as important as What. " Even more important is how I think about what has happened. I have little interest in a lopsided relationship like this. So, yeah, "Bite Me" it is.

Back to marvellous now. Thanks for listening.

Yesterday I visited the storage locker, something I haven't been doing much of since the excellent surgery event. There's a fatally injured boxspring right in the middle of the space that I have wrestled with for the last time. Its days are numbered in the single digits.

It is either going to be pried into two separate halves with a tire iron or removed as is, depending upon muscle capacity, and then set out with the rest of the building's garbage over here on Parkdale Monday Sunday night. [Corrected August 20: I am having trouble this week with the days of the week concept. Sheesh.]

It is still in one piece so it tends to try to open back up but is bent enough that it gets to about a 90° angle at most. Quiet hilarious, but it gets old fast when you're trying to move boxes past it.

I am impaired still in my lifting and bashing abilities so if anyone in Ottawa is reading this space and would be able to help me put the thing out of its misery and onto the top of the Jeep I would be grateful for that. It shouldn't take more than a half hour of your time, probably less. The storage locker is accessible 24/7 and is located at Catherine & Bronson (just to the right of the off ramp for the Westbound Queensway).

You can even have souvenir pictures of the now foldable item, if you wish. I'm going to start holding my breath ... now.

After having heard from a potential viewer of one of my photo galleries that she couldn't find it from the directions I'd given, I realized that I am so very used to using Firefox that I had quite forgotten that some people still use That Other Browser. You know: the one that released an update with six (count 'em) security fixes that you had to use the buggy browser in question to download.

So today I adjusted the CSS so that IE (excuse me while I cross myself) displays the three column layout that I laboured over as, you guessed it -- three columns horizontally rather than the silly ass two navigational columns stacked on the left and a way too freaking wide main (entry) column. The downside is that the Firefox look isn't as cool as it was. Compromises, compromises.

But not for long! (Oh no! My blogging isn't ugly so.) I have decided it is time for a facelift for this smudge on the web. Yep. I'm letting the whole thing percolate in my subconscious for a while, but I'm going to move to Nucleus (the one I used for Steph's most wonderful blog). There's a bit of time efficient thinking going on as well. I'll be able to use any plugins I end up creating for both of them. Reuse - it's the wave of the future. The pain I went through building and rebuilding this MovableType based one helped remind me of why I went looking for another option, too.

I had another Landlordly Encounter today. Somewhat amusing. Wish I'd had my MiniDisc all set up and recording. You would have been entertained. I'll get all the juicy (and astonishing!) details up soon. (Really, so many things are going to be so much better with the new, improved blog. I can hardly wait!!) What I can tell you is that I think there was a threat in there somewhere as well as one thing you should never do when dealing with me: don't dare me to do something. (Sorry, you'll have to wait.)

Some good feedback from my physiotherapist: I am making excellent progress.
Some liver-related goodness, too. I consulted my liver specialist and found that I am cleared to take anti-inflammatories (Aleve for you folks in the States) which I had been told earlier in the liver adventure I had to avoid. This should help with the tendonitis. Hurray. Hurray.

Finally: so much for recycling. I had thought I'd be prudent and green by finding a used shift boot cover for my 1989 Cherokee. It seemed to me that a wrecker or auto recycler as they like to be called might have one for a couple of bucks. A brand new piece like that would make the rest of the inside look pretty shabby anyway - right? Put the word out through an used auto part finder service on the web and guess what? I can buy the part brand spanking new from the gold-digging dealer for half (half I say) of what the used folks are asking. Doesn't seem right now, does it?

[Hmm... and now that this entry has been built, I see that the font has somehow lost its mind. Tomorrow...]

[Oh, good. I just noticed that the archive pages and the paragraph formatting are all weird too.]

All fixed as of early morning the next day!

That's how the announcement of the birth of my second miracle child started. She arrived at 8:29 am on this date 26 years ago. In the middle of a heat wave in Georgia. Predictions of her waiting another whole month to greet the world were proved wrong the very week they were given. So much in a hurry was she to "be" that an ambulance whisked us (still as one) to the local hospital.

In short order she was bringing joy and happiness into my life. Here we are on her first day. So sweet.

She is her mother's daughter, however. It took only two days for her to develop Attitude! [Check out the tongue :-P]

Happy Birthday, Stephanie!

Sometime today the shoulder got happier. Just in time, too - the level of discomfort I was experiencing had me contemplating a visit to the Emergency Room soonishly This magic may have been worked by a sleep marathon that took place last night. And then, it probably helped that I kept my elbow smushed against my side most of today and used my left arm whenever that was possible.

I crashed shortly after my postings yesterday. Woke to a nondescript level of darkness, glanced blearily at the clock radio display, read it as 4:something and decided I must have slept more than enough. Put the cat out on her lead, thought about making coffee, decided it seemed a lot warmer than the low that had been predicted and went to check the online weather. It was much warmer than I'd expected and: it was still Sunday. In fact, it was 10 pm Sunday night, so the low hadn't even been approached. Which explained a lot. I went back to check what the clock in the bedroom had to say and wonder of wonders, it agreed with the PC.

I didn't make coffee nor go through the rest of my usual morning routine as planned - thank goodness. Snacked, made the cat come in, watched a few minutes of the news and crashed not to awaken again until 7 am.

I'm pretty sure I was fooled by the boxy LED display of a "9" looking a lot like a "4" in the dark. I think I'll check the PC next time it's dark when I awake - just in case.

Did a lot of walking today but no driving. Can't shift while keeping my right elbow tucked in, you know. Got a hasty but hopefully welcome birthday gift off to my girl in Montreal. Her plans changed and she arrived home a week early and before her birthday instead of after - eek! Got some more shuffling of small stuff in and out of the Jeep done (...slowly and with much consideration for the injured wing).

Talked with a nice Property Standards Inspector here in Ottawa about the two apartments that have no window in the bedrooms. He is going to call the landlords even though he says he can't actually inspect the apartments without the current tenants being involved. We discussed the finer points of the landlord being able to gain access without the tenants' approval - a subject I am well versed in actually. I questioned some of the procedures he and the rest of the PS department follow regarding only investigating complaints that originate with the landlord or tenant.

He explained that there are far too many complaints for the staff currently available to handle and told me a tale of scumlandlording that was much worse than anything I have (yet) encountered. He even listened when I told him my ideas for licensing landlords as businesses and having the fees collected used to staff the Inspections and Enforcement department. I proposed that upon application for a license, and at regular intervals afterward, a full inspection of the property would be undertaken to keep things from getting as out of hand as they seem to have over the past few years here in Ontario. Random inspections would keep landlords on their toes as well, I think.

What I didn't tell him, because he seemed to be interested in doing his job as Inspector was that I would also propose random audits of inspections. Kind of like the random audits that take place at banks: without notice, at closing time, staff from another branch arrives, takes your keys and starts counting your cash (if you're a teller as I was). Nobody in the branch knows when this is going to happen.

I should write a letter to my councilperson, whomever they may be. Good plan. I'll add it to the list of planned things.

Dinner is cooling off a bit. While making it I was contemplating how one (this one in particular) goes about doing anything without using one's shoulder. Especially one's dominant shoulder.

After some consideration of what actions cause the most discomfort I realized that doing absolutely nothing is not the only answer. It's really not an answer for me at the moment - I do have to eat at the very least and after a couple of meals I do have to wash some dishes (no dishwasher, sigh).

I think one way I could do some things would be to bind my upper arm to my torso somehow so the weight of my arm would be taken off my shoulder and lateral movements of my elbow would be prevented. Of course, accomplishing this will be somewhat of a neat trick as well: Dixie can't be trusted to fasten anything which probably means I will have to use at least one arm and hand to achieve this. Glue is out of the question, so don't even suggest it!

I've been cozying up to a bag of ice this afternoon, trying to soothe tendonitis of the shoulder. Another early morning rising caused by pain. For some reason this shoulder thing is less happy when prone than in a sitting position. Percocet seems to work the best, but it renders the caution lights barely visible: I become comfortable enough to "do stuff" and probably shouldn't be doing a darn thing.

Some few things got puttered at before noon - rearrangements of various items on shelving, breakfast dishes dirtied and then washed. Then an icing while I read. I'm heading to the freezer again, right after a bit of a meal.

This is Linden's birthday and I think she's having a good one. Our kayaking activity was ditched this morning in favour of "chilling out". I had a very pleasant visit and got to see the latest renovations. Very nice indeed.

Today also marks the 25th anniversary of a significant life event for me. "Freedom Day" was very stressful for many reasons that I didn't grasp at the time but do have a better understanding of today. Meaning this current time in my life, not especially this day. Much like the surgery I underwent a few months ago, I often received sympathetic comments from well-intentioned neighbours and other people with whom I had contact back then. My responses in both cases have been similar: "Really, this is an improvement. Life is much better now."

I was divorced 25 years ago today. I've only forgotten this anniversary once since. It was last year as a matter of fact; in the middle of a very chaotic and stressful summer. No matter, this year I am celebrating quietly here with Dixie; champagne (for me) and yummy canned food (for her).

It's wicked hot out and I'm in the middle of repairing the boot for the shift lever in the Jeep, so I'm not going anywhere this afternoon. The cool glue called Pliobond is curing in the first couple of spots that have been treated. [Updated: Pliobond doesn't stick to the rubbery stuff the boot is made from either. Dammit! "Either" refers to the two types of duct tape I tried earlier.]

I am going to read my latest book for a while (Guns, Germs and Steel), watch a DVD and relax. I'm not even going to let the landlord and his silly ass antics get to me. Not today.

It seems that way to me right now. The physio manipulations (of my shoulder) earlier this week and the additional strengthening exercises should not have resulted in the level of shoulder pain I have experienced, according to the therapist. I'm glad she agreed with me on the "this isn't helping" front because I was awakened in excrutiating pain early Thursday morning and unable to write a cover letter Wednesday afternoon because of it (could barely sit still I was in such discomfort).

Now I am doing the same exercises without any weight so as to keep the shoulder from seizing up altogether. Also, I am going to be balancing activity with exercise to minimize discomfort and disruption to my search for work. What this means is that tomorrow when I go kayaking with Linden I will not do any strengthening exercises before and possibly not after (depending on the level of fatigue my shoulder exhibits).

After not sleeping well or much Wednesday night, I crashed in the early afternoon yesterday (Thursday) figuring I'd awake in a few hours recuperated enough to write the cover letter. NOT! I came to at 8:00 and at first thought it was the next morning. It was evening as it turned out (the fading light gave it away finally). Up I got and had a snack, watched a half hour of the tube and rather than being up all night crashed again at 11pm. Awoke just before 7 this morning feeling stiff but better than yesterday.

The recent changes to my spine have intensified my sensitivity to the weather it seems. Sudden changes in barometric pressure used to affect me briefly. Now the effect is prolonged to at least a day's worth of sluggishness and headachiness. Hopefully this will lessen as my system gets adjusted to the "injury" and I finally get more activity in my routine.

Yes, I'm being sarcastic. It's not been a fun day, landlord-wise. Parking is the issue now or more precisely my right to not be blocked in or out of my parking spot by workmen on missions for the landlord.

I wound up calling the ORHT toll free line to check that my irritated and heated remark to the landlord's minion was actually enforceable. I said "Move your [bleeping] truck or I'll have it towed." He thought this was humourous. Wrong response. The ORHT reponse to my tale of woe was that since my lease includes a parking spot I do indeed have the right to come and go as I please without hinderance of any kind. The [bleeping] landlords have been informed in no uncertain terms (in writing) of my expectations and intentions (tow 'em!) in light of these new developments.

After many days of trying to connect with the single mom in the front unit, we finally and coincidentally ended up at the front of the building together tonight. I'd started to think she'd decided not to defend her rights since she was not returning my messages. I told her that was fine, I just wanted to explain my concerns (many and well-founded I believe) about the verbal agreement she's made with the landlord. I did my 'splaining of her rights and the landlord's responsibilities and why I thought she should get any arrangements in writing and then told her if she wanted me to drop the whole thing I would. That's what she's decided, so I'm no longer acting on her behalf.

I did give her some information regarding Co-operative Housing options here in Ottawa and some ORHT stuff related to giving notice to the landlord about terminating her tenancy whenever she decides to do so.

I'll get the nonsense related to my tenancy up here soon.

I'm sure it's a good thing. No, I hope it's a good thing. This pain thing that the toning exercises are bringing on. I'm revising my Go Kayaking goal to next year. I'll probably be able to paddle for shortish periods this season but nothing worth calling Kayaking - at least not what I mean when I use the word.

Revising: don't live life without it!

I chuckled through some pain yesterday and today. Yesterday I was just plain giddy from sleep deprivation (I'm revising my medication regimen to exclude the sleep aid - which means: you guessed it - sleeplessness for a few nights.) and worn out from physio and driving to see my GP. During this altered state I noticed the landlord and a couple trouping up the stairs to the empty apartment above me.

It was a blisteringly hot day here in Ottawa, it was late afternoon and the place had been closed up with no blinds covering the windows. I know down here on the first floor it gets nasty with the curtains pulled if the a/c isn't on so upstairs it must have been close to 45° C. There is the smallness of the purported one bedroom apartments here as well. There's almost enough room for one person but definitely not room for two.

So I laughed when they all came out immediately. I know, it wasn't nice, but it was funny to me. There is the fact that when anyone comes back to this end of the building they also get a lovely view of the patch of desert that is about one half of the space in the "yard". The landlord is so very proud of his new roof but he doesn't seem to get that most of the "improvements" he's making to the property are of no interest to tenants. A decently kept back yard - that's of interest.

Today I was less giddy but in some pain and resting with ice on my shoulder when I heard footsteps on the stairs again. It was late morning and the landlord had come to open the windows. He doesn't know I was laughing so that makes it less of a nasty thing to do. It seems better to laugh at him than trying to educate him. Neither is going to change things it seems, but the first makes me feel better - in a humourous, non-judgemental way. There's another story there and it will come in time. For now I'll just say that we've had some interesting chats this past week and I'm starting to give up on the education part of my crusade.

I am rather pleased to report that I have successfully installed a handlebar stem extender bar (vertical) and a new front brake cable on my bike. Which means it's pretty well neck friendly and ready to roll whenever I am. I am haunted by my physiotherapist's advice on cycling: Just don't fall over. That's all I can think about now when I contemplate re-learning to ride. How bad will it be if I do?

Things are going that way this week. Well, if I don't count the slight set back that had me thinking I'd somehow managed to negate several weeks' worth of rotator cuff strengthening. A few days ago I awoke with stiffness and a general reluctance to do anything in my right shoulder. Like pulling up my pants.

While I sat on the back porch looking out on the dirt with my coffee I pondered what in hell I had done the day before that may account for this change. All I could come up with were two seemingly innocuous activities.

The first was doing the logic puzzles at the back of the recent Scientific American Mind magazine whilst laying on my bed to rest my neck muscles. It's a great read by the way. The magazine, that is. This required that I hold a pad of paper above me for a while and write (and erase! many erasures I confess...) upon it. Took me about an hour let's say.

The second was more likely the real culprit. I decided to busy myself while the thunderstorm came and went by rolling some loose change. The paucity of table surfaces in my small dwelling required that I bend to the floor while sitting on the futon in order to smush the two sides of the plastic holders together. I did about 10 rolls. (Actually only 5 rolls but most had to be done twice because my brilliant system of making little piles of coins and then putting the right number of piles into the holder fell apart once I discovered, on the last roll, that a significant number of piles had been piled incorrectly. :-/ ) So, how much pressure does that take? More than usual for my shoulder apparently.

The good news (yes there is some) is that my neck itself is doing great - the muscles are learning to do their thing with smooth movements instead of the jerky, shaky ones we started out with a few weeks ago.

I tried to get my bike adjusted for comfortable neck positioning but it turns out the handlebar stem is at its limit and won't be raised. I'll get it to a bike place and see what they can do for cheap. This put a slight damper on my planned new activity exploration (biking) so I went for a swim at Westboro this evening instead.

10 minutes of sidestroke and backstroke and I was done in. Neck, arm and hip were all weary. Good for a first run though. Tomorrow I'll find out how upset these parts are with me.

I've spoken to both of my children this weekend and spent Friday evening with my friend Patrick. We had a great visit drinking wine and floating around his pool looking at the stars listening to tunes. And, no hangover the next day - woohoo!

I'm under instructions from my physiotherapist not to clean my bike again for a while. In another fit of normalcy on Monday I visited my storage locker to retrieve some items of interest and use in the near term. Lifted a couple of boxes (small, file boxes -- relax) that were heavier than, oh, my bike during the visit which lasted about 20 minutes.

Those two events combined with the limit-pushing stretches have rendered me more stiff and achey than I've been in weeks.

The cat has decided 5 am is a cool time to wake me so I'll put her out back on her lead. The other day a small skunk was seen vacating the area shortly after Dixie made her way to her blind under an overgrown "bush" (it's not really a bush). Seems my recent training to keep her from pouncing on the squirrel I feed during this quiet coffee time of day has paid off in ways I hadn't anticipated.

So "Good Morning World!". The historical hysterical wedding photos marking the anniversary on Monday have been successfully loaded and can be viewed over on the menu under Rogues Gallery/Weddings/Mike (clever, what?).

Time for coffee and squirrel contact. There's to be more, yes more I say, roof related work this morning and those guys are early starters: 7 am usually. Peace and quiet will not be mine until the afternoon.

Michael and Tyla's unforgettable wedding celebration took place right here in Ottawa. Congratulations (again!) to both of you on this special day and thanks for the great memories.

In honour of the occasion I am installing a brand new photo gallery of rare but memorable moments captured forever by yours truly and/or her camera. [It's late, my pc and I are tired so I'm going to put the rest up tomorrow while it's pouring rain. Nobody's going to read this for a couple of days anyway. And: I did say 'installing' not 'installed' now, didn't I...]

Here's hoping you two are still having as much fun as your guests did that day!