proba tive org archives

Another hour-long walk at 6 this morning. An emerging pattern? I can only hope. A few hours later, however, my battery needed recharging. Possibly due to a slightly disturbed night's sleep?

There's more nastiness going on over in Moscow I heard. I hope my friends are in another part of the country now. If the compassion and concern that I believe the majority of the world's population feel for those living in dangerous places could be as swiftly and surely communicated as the news of the destruction and losses has been would it have as much effect as the receipt of the news? Could it change things for the better? I wonder.

In other news, I haven't located a GP here yet. Tried three doctors listed on The College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario web site locator page: one was a specialist, one wasn't taking patients and the other was a recording.

That was yesterday. I'll try a few more today.

Moral of this story: Do NOT move in Canada when you are ill.

Yesterday I walked to my early morning appointment with the new psych support team (a psychiatrist and a psychologist). Underestimated the time it would take (or over estimated my walking pace...), but they were understanding and running late themselves.

Two hours of interviews and explanations later, they had agreed to take me on. The psych agreed with me that I should be back on my meds. He thought the dose I was currently on may be the cause of some of my new fatigue, so I have dropped it to see if that's the case. It'll take about 4 weeks for the full effects of the chemicals to set in and relieve some of my anxiety.

The psychologist was a bit happier than I'd expected to find that the psych had suggested I see her on a regular basis. I'm not sure why I find this unsettling except that I see this as a pretty serious life event, not an occasion for making a therapist happy. Does that seem strange on my part?

The walk back was interrupted by a pit stop for fast food and then I tried to nap, since I was very worn out (hadn't slept the night before - nothing very worrisome, just a 'no sleep' night). Sleep would not be had, so I read and then visited with my roommate upon her return.

Slept well last night, though. Yay. Feeling much less panicked about my precarious life situation. Read most of the day, then off to purchase a ticket to attend my niece's wedding in a couple of weeks.

Called a clinic today and they are indeed taking new patients. I'll be dropping in to see them on Tuesday.

And just now, the liver specialist here in Ottawa called to have me come in on Tuesday for an evaluation. Maybe all this resting up has been for a good cause after all? Maybe.

Oh, yeah. I managed to get some reorganization of the basement living quarters accomplished this week (don't remember which day it was though!), the best part of which is that my keyboard is now set up. And yes, I've played it at least once a day since then. May be as helpful as the drugs, even.

Hard to tell what's up with the mind/body these days... Today started off slow and foggy but seems to be ending better.

Lots of walking and some reading and a bit of thinking. Oh, and a very teeny rest in the afternoon.

If I don't do/feel better tomorrow, I'll readjust the medications. Phooey.

This entry that is. I wasn't even going to post because I'm on a trough instead of a crest, but then I decided that would be skewing things. So here's the state of the life today:

Tired, listless and (predictably) gloomy.

Didn't sleep well (again) last night. That makes two nights in a row which accounts somewhat for the description above.

Yesterday I decided that I needed a day off from worry, etc. Once I'd bored myself sufficiently by doing not much at all, I got enthused about doing more organizing in the dungeon that is my living quarters. Then got a bug about finding a particular book that I want to read instead of the one I am which is much dryer than I thought it'd be when I picked it up at a used book place a while ago. (Can't win them all!)

Even though I have seen the book I have a yen to read in a box through which I pawed a week or so ago (looking for something else altogether, of course), I absolutely could not locate that same box yesterday afternoon/evening. I'm pretty sure I know what the label on the box said too. And almost certain I know what the box looked like (not like the majority - but maybe that's where I went wrong?).

I DO know that it was opened at one point and used that as one of the criteria for gaining access (think of a three dimensional tile game --- you know, the ones with one tile missing and you have to slide them around and around to get them where you want? --- but the 'tiles' are 2,3 and 4 cubic foot boxes).

The 'game' left me feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by the prospect of organizing these boxes (and tossing some contents while I'm at it...). I don't want to spend too many more hours trying to locate things, however, so something's got to be done. Eventually.

I fought the urge to sleep yesterday afternoon, too. Thinking a nap would disrupt my sleep pattern even further. Did the same this afternoon. Went for a walk and found it is really quite warm and humid out. (My quarters are a bit on the chilly side, so I presumed, silly I, that it was actually coolish out in the real world, too.)

It's a little early for bed right now I think. I'll try to make it until 8 at least and then I'll crash and hopefully sleep a whole night's worth. It makes such a difference in my thought patterns and ability to do stuff. And I am going to be doing stuff tomorrow, namely visiting the liver specialist for an 'evaluation' and then a clinic that's taking on new patients.

I warned you this wasn't worth reading - didn't I?

Today's appointment at the Civic yielded conflicting opinions (within the Civic as well as differing from those of the Kingston Liver Clinic) and a resolution to use the damn bus (or walk) the next time I go there. (Parking in their lots is $3.00 per half hour to a $12.50 max -- which is what my 2 hours' plus a couple of minutes cost. I hope it's put to good use!)

More blood work was done and a follow up appointment will take place in a few weeks.

The current opinion is that the toxic damage is all that was/is going on and the fatigue (my main complaint) should be resolving itself shortly. The ANA test is being repeated. No biopsy is scheduled at this time (pending the result from that test.) Mixed feelings about that on my part. Not that I was looking forward to a biopsy, more that I was looking forward to finally knowing one way or the other the actual status of my liver. Having experts continue to tell me what they think is likely just doesn't give me that same feeling of confidence.

All of this could change, but for now, the liver folks think my fatigue a) should go away soon if it is due to damaged liver tissues rebuilding themselves or, b) is caused by something else.

Paradoxically, I was so worn out by the two hours of waiting and then discussing everything from the beginning of the liverish situation, that I slept through my planned excursion to gain access to a GP who could, hopefully, explore what the 'something else' is that is causing my excessive lack of energy and stamina.

The good news from today is that I can (currently) do anything I feel up to in the activity department.

I guess that includes sleeping if I'm feeling tired, too.

The past week or so I have been asked for the name of my family doctor, to whom information will be forwarded regarding the findings of the specialists I have been consulting. I haven't had a very satisfactory response to that question because I'd been unsuccessful in locating any in Ottawa who were willing to admit they were taking new patients.

Today I found one. At a clinic a fair distance from here, but still, an actual family doctor who now has me as a new patient.

The really 'coup'-ish part is that I managed to score an initial discussion with him as well. He's warned me that he'll be moving to Kanata in a couple of months and I assured him that would be fine since my current living arrangements are likely to change when I start supporting myself through employment again.

Next up is a long overdue 'annual' physical for which I am fasting to have blood taken tomorrow morning.

On the grin part of the title: I just had to share some baffling bit of government logic that I encountered today. My OHIP health card needs renewal soon. I needed some exercise, so I walked downtown today to get it done. The notice that was mailed to me said I needed to bring documentation to confirm my address and that one of the acceptable things for doing so was a 'Cable TV' bill. Since my internet service is through Rogers, I brought that bill. (There's other ID that you need, but this is where the fun started - don't want anyone thinking you can get an OHIP card using a Cable bill!)

When the clerk got to the question about proving where I lived, I offered the Rogers invoice. She peered at the top of it for a longish time, so I mentioned that the address information was at the bottom of the page. That turned out NOT to be the problem she was having. No. She had an issue with the fact that it was a bill that only invoiced internet service and had no mention of TV service.

She started to make noises like this wouldn't be acceptable so I explained that the service comes over the same cable as the TV service, I chose not to have TV only internet service, but it is the same company issuing the bill, etc.

She checked the wording of the information pamphlet and quoted the "Cable TV bill" part to me and then said:

"This [Internet service bill] doesn't really prove that you live there."

No, boys and girls, I did NOT laugh out loud. Instead, I simply asked:
"How would TV service prove that I did live there?"

The clerk beside her kind of looked our way then, being between clients and all and she decided to go and check whether this particular bill would be acceptable.

While she was gone, I was contemplating asking to speak to a supervisor should the result be the same, but that turned out to be unnecessary because whomever the sage was that she consulted had provided the answer I was hoping for: Cable Internet service is just as acceptable as Cable TV service as confirmation of one's actual residence.

Grin, indeed.

There's something else about this OHIP address/card renewal stuff that strikes me as odd. I just moved and changed my address for the card over the internet. They were willing to, and did, send me another card with the new (unproven apparently) address on it. But to renew it, I must appear in person with supporting documentation. The only difference between the two cards is that the next one will have a new picture on it. Well, and a longer expiration time.

Your current OHIP photo card is not one of the pieces of documentation that you can use to prove who you are, either. Which kind of means they don't trust their own documentation, doesn't it?

Seems odd to me.

Time has been flying. Sort of.

Mainly a lot of head games from which I am trying to disengage. Not sleeping last night didn't do much to help the cause, as it were.

I can't believe I said that - 'as it were'... I had a prof at Waterloo who used that expression to end every other sentence - I kid you not - and I have hated it ever since as it reminds me of his lame lectures. Automata Theory no less. He being a prime example of Automaton Theory. Yeah, yeah. Attitude is everything.... I know!

Oh, back to the world. It's a significant anniversary for all of us this day and I confess that I feel less confident in the future of the globe, given the current states of affairs in the news this past week or so, than I did last year. Maybe it's me, but we seem to be collectively heading to hell in a handbasket.

I'll hope it IS just me and things globally and personally will be going in a more positive direction shortly. I guess I should ask: Have we reached the bottom yet?

Glad you were here to read what I was here to write, too. Be well.

Indeed. A whole night. Uninterrupted. Makes a huge difference. (The trick will be repeating whatever the recipe was that created this result. Hopefully it WAS NOT the previous nights of very skimpy sleep!)

My roommate and her very cute dog have headed out to the Wiggle Waggle Walkathon that's about to start at the Arboretum. We both think he's a contender for the "Waggiest Tail" contest.

I'll be heading out for some exercise this morning, too, though not as much as they are getting. (I'm still figuring out the parameters surrounding my energy and stamina and management of same. As I said in some previous post, I feel a bit like I've been given a new body with no owner's manual or troubleshooting guide.)

For that matter, my head is being just as unfamiliar at times. Unpredictable and inconsistent. Not what I'd become used to over the years. At least this seems to be getting addressed by the drugs my doctors are offering, albeit slowly.

Patience is not my strongest suit right now.

I did walk to the Arboretum. In the afternoon. The weather was mildish but pleasant with the sun sneaking behind the clouds once in a while and a nice breeze making the leaves rustle a bit.

I have no idea how far I walked, but I found a nice shaded bench near the wildlife garden (I think that's what it was called...) upon which I sat and reflected on things and then read a bit of a book that's proven to be more fun to read than I thought it would. Tales of an Empty Cabin. by Grey Owl.

I recommend it heartily to any Canadian who enjoys the outdoors and historical accounts of life 3/4 of a century ago. Some interesting predictions and perspectives regarding Canada's natural resources and the preservation of same. The author has been described as Canada's first naturalist. More interesting is the fact that the same concerns are being voiced some 70 years after the book was first published.

Maybe more people should have read the book earlier?

After a walk back to the apartment and some dinner, I am just about done in. I think I'll try to call my kids before the night is over though. (SHHH... don't warn them!)

And then, another try at a solid nights' sleep.

Could the fact that I changed my meds by 1/3 dose yesterday account for the waterworks today? Either way, today's not been a good one and for no particular reason that I could nail down during my appointment for "talk therapy". (The change in meds only came to mind once I'd returned home and, if I'm right, should not be a problem tomorrow, since I put things back as they were this morning.)

Dammit. And yesterday was a day tending towards good, too.

Backsliding sucks. So does not doing what I said I would. Yeah, I didn't call my kids last night. Got tired and went to bed instead. Silly me, huh? Now I'll have to call them on a BAD day.

Now that I think of it, it's not just my head that's feeling off, I've been fatigued all day, too. Life sucketh. Today.

While I was at the local convenience store, I noticed a can of the infamous and formerly banned in Canada energy drink with which I had become acquainted during an equally infamous move now dubbed "The Move From Hell 2001" (so as not to be confused with other Moves From Hell in my lifetime :)

I asked the clerk to tell me about the can and it turns out that Red Bull is now for sale here in the Great White North. I was looking for some while I was overloaded at the college, trying to teach 16 hours of classes during my inaugural stint as a professor and was dismayed to find it not available then.

Another Ottawa blogger mentions it here as well. They have a picture, too - so if you haven't seen it yet, you'll recognize when you do.

Be warned, it's not your ordinary soft drink. And the two a day limit: they mean it. Trust me.

(Quite a highlight for my otherwise dull and boring day.)

Indeed. Maybe a little shedding of negative ions yesterday was just the thing to change the trend. Or something else, like a change back to the usual amount of chemicals did the trick (but I kind of doubt that). Maybe it was speaking with both of my kids last night. OR a decent night's rest.

In any case, the reason for a good mood day doesn't seem to be nearly as necessary as explanations of bad mood days. Rather asymmetric that.

The weather was in an equally good mood it turns out. The mandatory walking therapy was much enhanced by the sun and blue sky.

More good news: I have been scheduled to see the neurosurgeon at the end of the month. I'm pleasantly surprised by how quickly this has come about.

I give. Whatever it may be that is responsible (blamable?) for the internal and physical ups and downs I am going through remains a mystery. Anyway, the up hasn't repeated itself today. Too bad. Maybe tomorrow!

Today I learned something new about banking rules. Namely, that bank drafts do not become stale dated as do normal cheques drawn on personal or business accounts. Who'd have guessed? Made things a lot easier than I thought they'd be.

It's kind of been a sluggish day weather wise as well and I didn't get much else done except readying my trusty Jeep for the impending emissions testing that's got to be done next month. She passed with flying colours last time.

It's been a little while since I posted but there've been some good reasons. First there was preparing for a bus trip to Toronto - doing laundry, deciding what to pack, packing, getting the cat supplies set out. That was Thursday.

Friday was the day of travel to Toronto by bus. It was pleasantly less boring than I had anticipated and less uncomfortable too. It was a nice change to be with people. Lots of people.

Saturday was the wedding of my niece, Kerry to Pete. It was great to be able to witness the ceremony and celebrate with them. Got to see my brother, sister, brother-in-law and nephew as well - people I hadn't seen in quite a while. I think I managed to catch some good photos which I'll post when they've been developed. I'm hoping the ones of the first dance with their son, Tyler held in his father's arm turned out. And you'll enjoy the cake decorations when you see them, too.

Sunday was a bit of visiting with my daughter and then a little shopping expedition with she and my daughter-in-law and then a mad dash to catch the bus back to Ottawa. Lucked out in the bus department: we left early, arrived about 40 minutes ahead of schedule and watched two movies to pass the time.

Being the mother of an open source software guru, I have also just downloaded the latest Firefox release (1.0PR) after being urged to do so by said son. Haven't done much but post this little bit of trivia, but I have these two observations to make regarding the installation:

1) Hurray for asking where I wanted my bookmarks, etc imported from this time around! (Last time it just presumed and used the outdated IE bookmarks - bummer...)

2) I didn't really need a second shortcut to Firefox added to my desktop, thanks.

Gotta run to an evening doctor's appointment. But before I go, I want to welcome my friends Larissa and Chris back from their sojourn in Russia. (I am presuming they are back safe and sound, until I hear differently.) I was thinking about you and hoping you were far from the problems we were hearing about on the news.

Or maybe not balance, so much as a more comfortable alliance with the unfamiliar state of being in which I find myself these days.

Faith in the world and my ability to negotiate through or around whatever obstacles land in my path is being slowly reconstituted. While welcome, it's a far cry from the unshakable foundation I once enjoyed. Enjoyed might not be the right word. Possessed maybe.

I have yet to discern exactly when and how it went missing. I think if I can figure that out, I may be able to prevent losing it again. At least that's my theory and one of the things that occupies my otherwise uneventful days and informs my choice of reading materials at the moment.

I am firmly of the belief that lessons are to be learned from life situations, the painful variety being full of the most potential for personal understanding and growth. It has been my experience in the past that this is the case. The tricky part is figuring out what is the 'real' lesson as opposed to superficial, inconsequential 'lessons'. My hunch is that it is the one that is hardest to accept or least anticipated. I have learned as well that at times the lesson does not reveal itself until some period of time has passed.

Part of my struggle at this point in time is wanting to speed up the process while understanding that I need to 'let it be' and have faith that it will become clear in time. My impatience is understandable - at least to myself at this point. It is probably not helping things along in any constructive manner though.

Back to reality: The landlord and his repair persons were here this morning and have thankfully determined the source of the water leaking from the ceiling of this room. Two days of repairs are in the offing and then we will be free of the threat of ceilings falling in on our heads and computer.

Ottawa is a small town it turns out: I have run into two former co-workers whom I haven't seen in many many years in the past two days while out doing errands. Both are doing well.

GP's report: I am in 'uninteresting' condition - meaning things appear to be normal or better than normal from the exam and tests he's done. He says biologically I'm about 35 and will probably live to 150. No clues as to an organic cause for my lack of energy, so we'll see each other again in a month. Could be the tiredness is just from the accumulated stresses of my life lately. I guess being relieved of some of them should help then.

(Not sure I really want to live to 150)

The noise is a consequence of the water leak repairs going on upstairs. There's a fair bit of debris falling from there as well. Should be over soon I am told. Then the water will be turned back on and the new lack of leak tested.

The weather is exceptionally summer-like today. A high of 27C is predicted here in Ottawa. The sun has been playing hide and seek behind the clouds for the past hour. I'll have to get out for a walk once the repairs are finished.

Headwise, the day is good as well. I credit a full night's sleep for this change along with the medications and some reading and reflecting I have been engaged in recently. I had dinner with a friend last night, too, which made me feel pretty normal for a while.

Apparently the pipes are misbehaving, resulting in some swearing being directed their way.

I'm going to spend part of today figuring out how to make myself a photo gallery using php. Yep, I'm finally feeling rather bored instead of just exhausted. A good sign, I think.

The first no-leak test has failed. Darn.

The water leak is now soundly trounced. Rumour has it that early tomorrow the mess in here and the hole in the ceiling will be addressed. Getting there.

No sleep does not an optimistic, productive me make, and one night of solid sleep does not a trend create. (But it's something to look forward to, even if it is sporadic!)

Pain appears to be the culprit, as far as I can deduce. Tonight I am counting on some rest to help me cope with it.

On a brighter note - this coming week I actually get to talk to someone who can (and I'm hoping will) do something to eliminate this item from the stress buffet my life has become.

The hole in the ceiling was closed up today and the missing storm window installed in the space that is my quarters. This was enough to keep me from napping the day away and possibly screwing up my sleep cycle.

I managed to get out for a short walk in the sunshine that today brought. One more a bit later, with the cute canine, and I'll call it a night.

One night's sleep that is. Only one, mind you. But just that had the benefit of improving my general mood and outlook on the future. And the pain seems to have been reduced as well.

Of course there is a down side - to accomplish this I waited until I was really really tired to sleep. This turned out to be about 2 am. Lasted until about 10 am, so a full night of rest was accomplished. Some chemicals were involved, I must confess as well. To eliminate pain and anxiety.

I don't think I've been this focused on sleep deprivation since my children were tiny. At least then there was a justifiable reason for it.

Sheesh. I wrote a whole entry a few minutes ago and managed to not save it apparently. Goes without saying that I'm feeling a bit under the weather, even for me these days. I think I'm fighting off a sinus infection, the cause for which is pretty obvious but may be getting additional help from the newly activated forced air heating. Not that I don't want the heat. That's not it at all.

The news today is that a link has been added to the right hand menu of this page. Yes. I managed to find a photo album application written in php and already out there. Well, I found a few and this one actually works on the server that hosts my ramblings and rantings. It is customizable to death as all php open source seems to be these days, but I haven't had time nor brain cells to cope with that.

The impetus for this search was the wedding of my niece, Kerry, to her partner, Peter. You can click on the link under Rogues Gallery to view them, or you can click here. (Talk about user friendly, huh? Well, go ahead, talk about it!)

The photo application I finally settled on is called DAlbum. I found it here.

Finally, I ranted about the stupid new regulations that ban the serving of raw fish in Ontario restaurants. Cigarettes, greasy school cafeteria food and colas in schools were cited as more worthy of the attention of the medical powers that be since raw fish has not been linked with any adverse public health outcomes by their own admission. One more plus for south of the border.

Of course, they (the powers) are reportedly open to input. Where do I send it?

The day that I was complaining here about the sushi-hating Ministry of Health in Ontario I ranted a bit about the more important issue (IMO) of unhealthy food being served in schools. Apparently the Ministry of Education (Ontario) is taking steps to improve this situation. Glad someone's looking out for the kids, but I'm surprised at the same time that this doesn't fall under the Health portfolio. I guess it's all in how you divide up the pie. Or it's another example of the left hand, right hand situation?

I had thought that the folks that would benefit from a reduced market for sushi (not that I think it's going to happen, but if it did...) would be the producers of meat and poultry. Until I found this news release from an outfit in Montreal that is promoting the benefits of their "better" frozen fish to sushi restaurants because of the new regulations in Ontario. Gotta love that.

Surprise #1: The repair guy didn't make it this morning after I'd managed (for the first time in a while) to get up and showered before 9 am (because the water would be turned off to replace the kitchen taps and install shut off valves). Flat tire, he said in his message. Also that I was to call him when I got back from my appointment in the afternoon.

Surprise #2: On the way to my appointment, I ran into another person from my past, this time a most significant other. This has happened to us a number of times over the past couple of decades.

Surprise #3: The discussion with the neurosurgeon wasn't anything like I'd anticipated. I'm still mulling it over. I had envisioned being told what the risks and advantages were of surgical intervention and then spending some time using this information to make a decision about whether or not I wanted to go ahead. Instead, it was he who did not want to go ahead. He did admit that he may be too conservative. I asked for and received a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon for a second opinion. More will be said about all of this later. It's still bouncing around in my befuddled brain cavity.

So I'm on the 'net again, researching what's out there as far as treatments go. Not looking forward to any more years of pain killers than are absolutely necessary, though.

Surprise #4: When I got back to the apartment, the plumbing repairs were almost finished. We have a new faucet!