proba tive org archives

(not my mood BTW, that would be gray on gray right now)

No, the title refers to the two days of searching for a black item that was placed on a black surface because I knew darn well that I'd need it. The sadly humourous part of this is that I searched everywhere: the car, every box of miscellaneous stuff I'd touched in the past month because I truly could not remember that I'd actually had the item in hand just a couple of days ago.

I'd almost decided I was indeed a total write-off, having been reckless enough to throw something so obviously necessary out or at the least losing it through inattention and was about to prostrate myself to the laughing gods of hardwaredom in a bid to find another (which no doubt is only supplied with the item for which this is a bracket for attachment).

And then, I happened to look in the right place and bingo! I'm not as hopeless as I thought. No indeed, I just need to remember not to camouflage things when I place them somewhere for safekeeping until I need them.

It is the first of the month and to my immense surprise the landlords did not attempt to collect the rent. The fact that I am surprised is a bit of a tip off to the kind of nutcases with whom I have become accustomed to dealing I suppose.

Today I consulted my new legal coach regarding the matter of the application for an abatement of rent. He is another of the shining counterpoints to the demonic groups I first encountered when I moved here late in the summer of 2002. He was very helpful and insightful, spent 2 hours off the meter explaining some legal things (procedures and language) and giving me some cogent advice regarding my concerns about the upcoming eviction hearing and the suggestion made by my landlord that we talk "about things". Naturally this means some homework on my part tomorrow.

Other than that, the past few days have been semi-productive and semi-depressing. Usually the day starts with me feeling like a truck hit me and getting out of bed will be a major accomplishment. I have a suspicion that this is because I can't eat while I am sleeping and end up with extremely low blood sugar.

After I get mobilized and munch on coffee and vitamins and a bit of food, the life comes back and I can get a bit done, although there will be less accomplished if it entails physical exertion. And later on (earlier if I forget to keep snacking!), a bit of a downturn in the energy department starts me losing track of time. Like tonight - one minute it was 8 pm and 15 minutes later it was 9:30 pm. It's got so I'm not even that surprised anymore. So, each day has a good day and a bad day packed into it.

I continue trying to "snap out" of my blue mood but it takes more energy than I can muster at times, so I give in and let it have a bit of air time. Just a bit, mind you. If I really believed sitting around doing nothing would help, I'd be all over it. But I don't believe that for one minute, so I am learning to do a little at a time. Adaptability can be a scary thing, though - normally I make lists of the things I intend to do. Now I make lists of what didn't get done.

Oh, and I've done more research and found the same root cause for autoimmune problems that I'd found last time I did this (27 years ago in fact): adrenal gland exhaustion caused by chronic stress (aka my life). Only this time around, there is a new development, namely DHEA supplementation (aka dehydroepiandrosterone). DHEA is a hormone that diminishes with age as well and has a bit of a bad PR thing going on because some users are looking for a fountain of youth. This doesn't discredit its appropriate therapeutic use IMO. Pubmed even had a journal entry on using DHEA very successfully in treating adrenal exhaustion. Good, huh?

Great. And if I lived in the US, I could go to a health food or drug store and purchase it for about $6 USD. Not in Canada, eh? I was unsuccessful in verifying the status of DHEA from the official Health Canada web site the other day. Having fairly recently lived in the States, I am often confused about what is OTC and what is Rx in each country. I finally went to a health food place and asked. Illegal here. Very. But wait a minute... a check in the back produced an opportunity to purchase larger dosage capsules than I'd planned on in a bottle with very sketchy labelling for $30 CAD. I turned it down, figuring I'd rather have manufacturer labelling thanks anyway. I'll order it from an online pharmacy as soon as I figure out how to get more cash into my US account.

The juxtaposition of misguided protectionism and wanton indifference on behalf of the presumably irresponsible public here in Canada by the appointend authorities boggles my mind.

Here's a medically verified treatment that can be obtained OTC across the border and which sounds very much like a good thing to at least try and I cannot legally purchase it. I may be able to get some if I can convince the appropriately accredited medical practitioner that it's worth trying and get an Rx, but that could take a while at the rate that I am being allowed to access the medical system these days.

But, should I just want to induce cancer in myself or my housemates, the goverment will allow me to purchase the necessary drugs in the form of cigarettes. Or maybe I'd rather just finish off my liver with alcohol. No problem, go right ahead. Don't forget to pay the tax on the way out.

Makes me wonder just how the decisions about what is and isn't safe enough for the public to be allowed unsupervised access are made. Seems like a coin toss right now.

It's been a while since I posted and much has happened - inside and out. Today's journey was unexpectedly joyful. Morning was as mornings are presently: much determination and Dixie's pestering got me out of bed with a learned expectation of at least marginal improvements in the achy body and sluggish mind departments.

I am having to learn new meanings for messages from my body these days: nausea is not a harbinger of illness; tiredness doesn't necessarily mean I need to sleep - it may mean I need to eat.

Despite the overcast and cool morning weather, I was determined to get a walk in before tackling domestic engineering. My route landed me near the water treatment plant at the lake. I started looking for a more inviting spot to sit, drink my coffee and listen to the water lapping the shore. Just when I'd started thinking I'd probably better take anything that came along (next) because I'd walked farther than I'd planned, I noticed a gentleman walking a dog with a distinctive and familiar silhouette.

I'd only gotten a brief glimpse as they passed behind some landscaping but my interest was piqued. Indeed - there was a beautiful Bouvier des Flandres - the first I'd seen since last summer here in Kingston. Her owner stopped and we talked as I threw her ball and she fetched it. Topically, the subject of Bouvs being of service during the World Wars came up briefly.

Very shortly after that, I found a wonderful park area near a marina. Just as I got settled, a couple of people headed out in kayaks. More smiles as good memories were recalled.

And so I was reminded of two things that bring joy to my heart and of my hope to enjoy both of them again. At the same time, even. Ever since I discovered kayaking I've been plotting that my next dog companion would be trained to sit still in a tandem. The next step will be kayak camping with my new buddy.

I have the PFD (thanks to Sara and Martha) and I remodelled my trailer with a kayak in mind, so according to my personal "rule of downpayments" I'm already partway there.

Hotel Dieu Hospital is currently my favourite Canadian health care institution. Emphasis on the care. Thanks to them, I know what I've been missing, so to speak: information and advice provided with the authority of experience along with being listened to and understood.

Questions answered. Blanks filled in. Erroneous understandings and misinformation corrected. More tests and screenings ordered and we'll regroup in a couple of months.

Best news of the day: my liver condition is believed to be drug induced (antibiotics), not chronic (the ANA test result is not significant after all) and the numbers indicate a fairly fast recovery at this point.

Worst news of the day: my brain spasms are unlikely to be caused by my liver nonsense. A new puzzle to ponder.

Tiredness and preoccupation with tomorrow's Rental Tribunal eviction hearing non-event have conspired to protect you from more details. Lucky you.

Despite the cause for the visit, it was awfully good to see Michael again. Thanks for taking the time to be there for me, sweetie. We should do that again, soon. Visit that is, not going to the hospital...

Remember my bitching and complaining (and astonishment) at the heat being off in my building during the last bit of April and beginning of May? Sure you do.

Currently it is almost mid-June and while the temperatures overnight were pretty cool (45F / 7C), the heat by-law in Kingston does not require landlords to supply any at this time of year. No problem - I made do with closing the windows and bundling up a bit.

The morning was beautiful so off I went on my trek to the lake. BTW: I encountered yet another Bouvier des Flandres on Queen's campus. It was uncropped but when it got close enough, I could see the 'felt dog' hair cut. The owner confirmed my suspicion.

During the return trek I removed my jacket and noted that the day was warming nicely. Most of the people out and about at that time were wearing less than I. So I was immensely surprised to find that the heat was on in the building when I returned.

Um, WHY? And, HOW? And is this some kind of reprisal for my very slight victory over the landlord on Wednesday? (Part I, as it were, of the June 2004 Chapter in the Landlord Feud will be placed on the appropriate section of the site in the not too distant future.) True to its perverse form, the heat has shut off now that evening has fallen and cooler temps (same as last night) are upon us.

Is this a test to see if I will complain? I have way too many other things to do and there are people living in most of the other apartments, so I'll leave it in their hands. Every other window of my apartment is still covered with a storm - here's hoping they complain soon.

Many interesting developments have occurred and new and amazing information has been uncovered this week and I'd hoped to get them posted, but not tonight. I must sleep, perchance to wake rested and ready to take on another day of complete and utter absurdity.

In my rope.
So I can hang onto it.
(F.D.R. said to do this when you get to the end of it.)

It's been that kind of a couple of weeks: noise issues with the building I live in; banking fiascos and enlisting help to sort them out; really cruddy weather for the most part; non-responses to phone calls and job contacts; ongoing fatigue and foggy brain to add to the fun. So I've been hanging on to the knot, hoping things will settle down or improve or become less hassle-prone or just go away...

Today was somewhat better, I am pleased to report. Busier than I'd anticipated and believe me, I am learning to anticipate. Yesterday I was pretty sure I wasn't up to today's plan of 2 medical appointments and harassing (okay, requesting information of) the liver clinic, having spent that whole day in my jammies and being exhausted just reading and being me at the moment. I gave myself permission to rest up for today, but doing little left me crashing early and awakening again as if two bulldozers ran over me.

But today turned out better and I am less worn out than I had predicted. A third meeting (Queen's Legal Aid is helping with the landlord slaying project) got appended to my day and went swimmingly well, too.

And maybe, just maybe I know why today was good.

On the weekend I purchased a couple of nutritional supplements in Watertown that cannot be sold here in Canada. You'll have to be shot now that you've read that last sentence. Sorry. I started the pregnenolone on the way back from NY but noticed little or no effect, so I upped it after a couple of days and still could not discern any reduction in mental lapses or increase in energy, which was the whole point. So today I added the second supplement, DHEA, and I have noticed some positive changes.

Even my therapist said I didn't seem as depressed as the last visit. I know, I know, it's a bit early to make any real determination and I did tell him that my mood is definitely improved when I have people with whom to interact, but interacting with people has not had any effect on my memory to my knowledge and today I did not lose any words or even my keys. The keys have been getting lost, er misplaced, quite regularly these days. The weather started out gloomy and overcast today as well, so I don't think it was a positive influence.

I received some useful information regarding naturopath and homeopath practitioners in and near Kingston as well as a very interesting perspective on myself from the newest addition to my helping crew. She's been there, done that and has a similar family background as I it turns out. This will be the third person in the past week and a half who has accidently crossed my path and who gets it.

All in all, I am guardedly encouraged by all of these positive events. Oh, and it turns out I am not taking much that is harmful to my liver. I just need to find new multivitamins and maybe one other thing that doesn't have some non-medicinal ingredients that were marked as not good by the liver doctor.

Between tonight's low temperature and the freezing point for water. Way too freaking cool for mid-June in southern Ontario. I vote we all move south.

Speaking of which, having unintentionally viewed the last half hour of the political debate which appeared to have been unmoderated or at least poorly moderated, I have become interested in voting if only to ensure that neither of the two worst examples of Canadian political acumen has an opportunity to piss off anyone other than his own constituents.

It would be nice to be voting for the best person for the job, but I'll settle for voting for the least ridiculous and least ugly. Forgetting any other undesirable attributes we know him to have, Martin has to be the most painful person to look at to have graced our media networks ever. If that's what being a successful shipping magnate does to you, Health Canada should issue some kind of warning.

And how could you not be more inclined to vote for someone who has yet to reveal his inner darkness and looks like Richard Dreyfuss? I mean, ignoring the rhetoric and mudslinging, we do have looks and deportment to go on - right?

I'm also going to vote just to find out whether or not the Bloc Quebecois is actually on my ballot. If not, I'll want to know why they were part of the televised debate while the Green Party was not.

Here's a quote that will remove your election frown. It's from the candidate from Tamworth, running as Rosie the Clown in my district of Kingston and the Islands (I'm not making this up) regarding same-sex marriage:

"Both parties in a marriage should be having the same sex." [from Kingston This Week, June 18, 2004]

The other day my nerves had had enough and I finally took a stand regarding the noise interfering with my sleep by putting my upstairs neighbour on notice that I would henceforth be requesting enforcement of the noise by-law.

An anticipated backlash has not materialized, much to my relief. Rather, diligent efforts are being undertaken to convince the canine culprit to mend her ways. Good.

A few days later a letter of response was placed in my mail slot, my reaction to which confirms an improved mental state. A plethora of fallacious statements and unsound logic finally led to an inference if not conclusion that I was in some not insignificant manner responsible for the disruptions continuing. Really.

At first I was just stunned ("bullshit baffles brains") and then had to laugh at the ridiculousness of the author's position. Accordingly, I am ignoring the letter completely. Well, except when I need a chuckle.

Which tells me that my internal equilibrium has been re-established. It has been sorely missed. I am not a fan of rollercoasters as some can attest.

He did and I did. I thought about not telling, and avoided actually volunteering my justifiably jaded opinion for a couple of volleys. But then... he made points for being persistent and prudent in his inquiries. I do admire that. The clincher was that he had a family.

If the roles were reversed, I would have appreciated an honest response.

Mustering all the diplomacy I could, I informed him that I had an application before the Tribunal regarding lack of maintenance. And that I hoped things would improve eventually.

At the beginning of our encounter he had mistaken me for the landlord with whom he had an appointment to view the vacant apartment. Judging from the presence of the landlord's pickup outside my office, it didn't take very long.

After an irritating wait of over 30 minutes, my GP spent a bit of time with me today. The numbers on the liver tests from 2 weeks ago are discouraging. They went against the desired trend of improvement. She had no suggestions as to why that may be and was content to let the Liver Clinic take over monitoring this particular situation.

I was uncomfortable with possibly waiting another two months to find out if the trend was up or down and so motivated was she to be relieved of dealing with my concerns that I was given reqs for two sets of tests between now and whenever.

So I made her day and didn't ask for another office visit.

After mulling over her opinion that there was no organic cause for my fatigue along with comments and observations made by the physiotherapist yesterday (8 months of waiting ended!) and my therapist (ages ago), it could very well be "just stress".

I guess I should "just relax", then.

The whirlwind of activity today included physiotherapy, chats with my legal representative at Queen's, an inspection of my crumbling abode by Property Standards and, last but not least:VOTING.

The liver is more unhappy and I am not happy that it is not happy. I am hoping that going back to the regimen that got it on the recovery track will prove to be enough attention for a bit. Also, that getting this week's hearing over and done with will be helpful as well - on the done side, that is. I really do miss meat, though.

The technical issues surrounding preparation of my audio evidence threaten to exceed my patience. Don't even ask I do have a fallback plan now, thanks to my friend Larissa, so I'm not as panicked as I was thinking I'd be.

The weekend was rough internally speaking. I guess I was premature in estimating my level of equilibrium. Oh, yes: the rollercoaster has started back up. Whee!

Back to the apartment crusade, battle, hassles... call them what you will. The inspection of the building confirmed my suspicions about the black sticky substance covering a portion of the floor of the utility room adjacent to my kitchen.

"That's fuel oil," the nice inspector told me. Not good for people living close to it I don't believe. Could be the reason I have been under the weather for such a long time here in Kingston, huh? Wonder if it would have an impact on my poor liver as well? Anybody out there know anything about environmental toxins?

An order of violation is in the works (again) and I have a slew of problems (less serious, but valid in any case) that I am to request the landlord address. These would become a violation in the case of no or insufficient response after a reasonable period of time.

More work for me, but part of the game.

If you'd like to come and provide moral support (or kleenex?), the hearing is scheduled for 10 am Wednesday, June 30 at 216 Elliott Ave, east of Division St.

Wow. What a day. The ORHT was to hear my application for an abatement of rent today. Was to hear. Instead, the Mediator heard bits and pieces and positions were taken and changed after various huddles and calls for confirmation of pecuniary resources to gamble with my instincts.

Something the Mediator said hit home and tempered my resolve to go down fighting. She observed that my current living conditions, regardless of the cause, are not good for my health. Hearing someone else state what I have been telling myself for the past week along with the liver wobble last week was enough for me to choose a "good enough" settlement over a delayed application complete with the remote possibility of legal costs threatened by the other side.

I am still processing the events and contentions and anticipations of the day. There are several upsides:

1) The hassles of living in this apartment are (soon to be) over.
2) I didn't walk away with nothing.
3) I learned a lot and got more fuel for my ever increasing intention to be a lawyer when I grow up.

The agreed upon compromise is approximately 2.5 months rent free and I vacate the unit on July 31st.

Many thanks to my friend Larissa for accompanying me and helping with some details that may have become factors had the hearing transpired. Special thanks to my son who continues to back me in my fight for justice.

Finally, I must thank Queen's Legal Aid who pointed out the light at the end of the mediation tunnel.

Right. So I'm looking for a new place to call hell, er, home!

(Right now, right here, construction noise emanates from the apartment on the 3rd floor. Noise by-law, did someone mention a noise by-law? Should I call and complain? What do you think?)