Saturday April 2, 2005
I'm tired of being tired. Tired of being in pain. Tired of taking drugs to stay (somewhat) sane. Tired of not remembering things. Tired of having nothing worthwhile to do with the bits of brain I do have. Tired of being isolated by unemployment and my headspace. Just now my odd brain connections have treated me to a scene in Blazing Saddles - Madeline Kahn singing "I'm Tired" Ha ha. Yep, that's how I feel!
To top it off it is raining. Nice for the flowers, I guess. Now that the snow is mostly melted the true nature of the backyard has revealed itself and it is pretty darn ugly right now. Picture a lake of mud and unidentifiable artifacts with a sprinkling of construction materials. To one side some grass is trying to cover about one quarter of the muck. In the middle stands a dangerous wooden stairway (on stilts) leading to the apartment above me. A wooden structure that has little to no support from the ground up. There are no serviceable footings boys and girls and in the sea of mud (I exaggerate, sorry - the pond of mud) the underpinnings have shifted and lost contact with the stringer in a couple of places. This is on the list of things that need fixing before the next Fire Inspection I believe.
I'm off to sit in my GP's waiting room to tell him he's 'it' in the game of medical support, my talk therapists having cut me loose - not because I am ready, but because there's a limit to how many visits are available through urgent care access to psych support. Rules is rules. In my final visit I was advised that I should find alternative support for myself because "it helps to have someone to talk things through with you". Nice to know that it's helpful...
I'll be back. Maybe with a better attitude. Maybe not.
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